One of the things I struggle with is the self-care of just doing the exercises that help me feel better. I know in my head that if I do the exercises daily, I will feel better, be less curved, and get a fuller range of motion back. I am also aware, on an intellectual level, that not doing so will result in worsening of my symptoms.
Why is it, then, that knowing and doing are so very different?
After I returned from the residential physio fortnight, I had a plan. It was a good plan. Every time I got up, I had to do one set of reps. A different one each time. That way, I would get in all the stretches and strengthening things during the day. I even set my Alexa to make announcements designed to remind me to stop and stretch.
I did it too. For about three weeks.
That was when the “I’m tired, so not this time” started to become, “Not today, I’ll get back to it tomorrow”. The thing is, though, today’s Matt finds it easy to let tomorrow’s Matt do things because right now, there is no mental or physical cost. Tomorrow’s Matt seems unburdened by the distractions and fatigue of today because those drag factors have yet to happen.
I think that’s the same reason my weight loss has plateaued. I have become too comfortable with thinking, “It’ll be fine, I’m good the rest of the week, so this one cheat day won’t hurt”. That making of an exception “just this one time” is the first step to a relapse. I’m not making a slippery slope argument, really. This is a snowballing problem. The current paradigm costs effort and energy, and those are often in short supply. The self-control budget simply cannot cover all the things I am trying to spend it on.
These days, the robot lady’s announcements annoy me more than motivate me. They are demands from past me who should have known better. That Matt had a bunch of energy and felt motivated. This Matt is tired and would like to go back to bed. Today is not the day for breaking new ground.
On low-spoon days (when everything is an expensive effort), something has to give. That something is almost always the good habits I am still trying to build. The problem is the myriad of ways that life had to throw good-habit removers my way. Things that replace good habits with convenience, busy work, time constraints, lost motivation, fatigue, external demands, or a really good new TV series.
Exercise also has a built-in habit remover. For me, at least. That habit killer is that sometimes I am forced to take rest days. When I first got back, I had no choice but to rest my knees until they stopped hurting, so I could go back to doing those exercises without worsening the pain by acting too soon. As a result, I never started with the workouts that involved my knees.
Then came the sprains – first my left upper arm and then my right shoulder. Of course, I gave the strength-building exercises a rest so those parts of my body could recover. And, just like that, the habit of daily strengthening stopped.
Most of the advice for healthy habit forming is, “start with your own good reasons for doing the thing”. That’s solid advice, which is not the same as being useful advice. I have the very best reasons for keeping going – less pain, more movement, and better body confidence. I also have a brain that defaults to, “I’m tired, skipping this one time couldn’t be so bad”.
I don’t need a snake hanging out at the one forbidden tree. I have my very own snake baked into my brain. My mind serpent has nearly fifty years of experience in getting me to do it tomorrow. No matter how much momentum I start with, Snakey is ready with a billion reasons why I should calm down and take the easier path through the day.
There’s an old bible quote from St. Paul, “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Well, at the very least, I’m not the only one in all of time and space who has struggled like this. Paul’s answer goes something like this (if I can remember it) – this power of sin dominates me, so I must consider myself dead so that it is not I that lives but Christ that lives within me. That’s all well and good, Mr Saint. Do you have some more granular advice for the laity? Sure, yeah, the old self and the habits thereof must die, and the new self with the better (new) habits must become alive. If only it were that easy.
I know the theory of setting goals (and sticking to them). I’m sure that works for other people. The best I can do is make a habit and engrain it into my life. I have some strong ADD/ADHD traits, such as more ideas than I can ever use, new hobbies excite me, and a never-ending list of things I want to learn. Setting goals works for as long as I can force my attention to remain on the goal. A month is usually my limit. There’s just too much out in the world to be fascinated by.
After thinking about all the ways that I stopped doing the work to make my body better, I will almost certainly get back into action and do a few of the workouts. I might even pull up some videos and follow along at least for a little while.
I wrote a great poem while I was away. I called it, “You are not your condition”. I got home with the intention of recording myself reading the poem and sharing it. Two months later, that project is still one I will do any day now.
I wish I could end this post with some great ideas on how I can win this fight. I’ve got loads of ideas and just enough experience of being me to know that ideas are never enough. Only the things that become “this is who I am” last. St. Paul’s thing about being dead to himself and alive to his new truth is about right. There are very few things that I stick to with any consistency. These things have two common elements: I think about them all the time, and I engage in them with others regularly.
For creative writing, I have my writer’s group and a lifelong obsession with stories. For blogging, I have my handful of readers (and the fact that writing is who I am). For tabletop games, I have friends who also play those games. Playing these games is enforced by social pressure and the fact that most are story-driven, which is a core obsession of mine. For non-core things I have committed to, other people will chase me up on them. For exercise and healthy eating, there is none of that. Were it not that I love tracking numbers, this blog would not exist, and I would be even worse at healthy eating.
This blog goes some way towards reminding me to think about my health (and write down numbers so I can chart my success). Even so, this is something I did in and out of. The work that intersects with my love of writing and need to track numbers for everything – that work gets done sometimes.
Right now, for example, I’m writing this post to avoid doing active or important tasks because I lack the energy to get started. Plus, everything hurts today. I’ve not even written this thing in one go (like I often do). I’ve been dipping out and reading stuff about the knowing-doing gap.
The self-care of just doing the stuff is far harder than thinking of doing it. For a naturally inactive guy like me, staying motivated and active is hard. The thing is, I actually enjoy the workouts. I feel great after. My body confidence improves too. Why is it then that I cannot maintain the momentum?
I wish I knew the answers. I have clues and guesses, of course. Even while I was still away, I had figured out that the only way I would exercise was if I had other people to do that with. Back when I was able to, I got into running. My mile was down to under ten minutes towards the end. Then the people I ran with all moved away, and we fell out of touch, and I stopped. I liked running and the extra energy it gave me. I stopped because, by myself, I was not a runner – I was a person who ran.
Okay, I should probably bring this meandering reflection towards some sort of conclusion, I guess.
Let’s summarise. I only maintain things that are core to who I am vs what I do. Social commitment helps. I have a brain that is always a thousand snakes offering me a thousand apples of temptation. Old habits die hard, and new habits fail to take root. I’m a bit lazy and easily distracted. Did I miss anything?
I can say that I am going to find a local AxialSpa group (or start one). I can also say that I will join or start some sort of stretching and exercise group. Saying is easy. If doing were also easy, I would have done it by now. Who I am is at odds with who I wish to become. The saints struggled with that; I, too, struggle with that; Does that make me a saint?
Flippent syllogisms aside, this “new me” process is not easy. I am definitely a work in progress. If I figure out how to become an exerciser and not a person who tries to exercise, I will be sure to write a whole series of books about it. That book market segment is huge.
I don’t know how to overcome my natural laziness (yet). I shall try again. I shall probably fail again. I hope I start again every time that I fail. It’s not like I don’t have a lot of aches and pains that remind me I’ve not been keeping up.
This is the part where I usually say, “over to you” and invite you to comment. So, now it is over to you. If you are reading this on my blog, you can scroll down past today’s stat block, where you will find a comment form. Do you struggle like I do, or have you found the one cool trick? As always, you can comment/reply, ignore me, or PM me. I’d love to hear from you.
Please share your thoughts.
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